“Just a bit outside”

June 29, 2011

Say it ain't so, Wild Thing. Say it ain't so.

Forget the Mitchell Report. We have now discovered the true extent of performance enhancing drugs in baseball.

In an interview with Sports Illustrated on Wednesday, Charlie Sheen admitted to taking steroids during the filming of the all-time classic baseball movie Major League. From the interview:

SI: You never told me why you didn’t like the haircut.

Sheen: I didn’t like the haircut because it generated so many comments in bars. I’ve got enough of that already. Add that to the mix, and it’s a recipe for a fistfight. I was already bitchy because — let’s just say that I was enhancing my performance a little bit. It was the only time I ever did steroids. I did it for like six or eight weeks. You can print this, I don’t give a f—. My fastball went from 79 to like 85.

Now that I know that “Wild Thing” needed PEDs to strike out that Yankee in the ALCS (and that his fastball wasn’t really in triple digits), how can I possibly believe anything that’s happened in baseball over the last 22 years was real? What’s next — finding out that Pedro Cerrano didn’t really go on to become President of the United States?